The Demon Called Expectation

Disappointment and Expectations

Any feeling of disappointment is an indication that we began something with an expectation. We expected someone to DO something or to NOT DO something. We expected to be able to DO something or to NOT HAVE TO DO something. We expected someone else to meet a need, or we expected ourselves to meet someone else’s need. We expected an object to perform a function or to resolve a situation that is difficult.

Expectations Pack An Emotional Whallop

A very important aspect of expectations is that they tend to come packaged with a huge emotional wallop that was nowhere evident when we started out – but when our expectations are not met we usually react with extreme emotions – with really massive hurt or anger or both. Being powerfully disappointed could be used as a key to recognising a powerful expectation, but instead it seems to unlock our dark side, the part of us that gets enraged, deeply ashamed, bitter, resentful and most of all, vengeful. We are at our most vengeful when someone doesn’t meet our expectations. We are at our most frustrated when something doesn’t meet our expectations. In short, when our expectations are disappointed, our worst side seems to rise up within.

Expectations Are Based On Values

This is because our expectations are based on our values – those things that we consider to be extremely important. We can hold anything as a value: money, respect, appearance, status, owning an expensive car or house, having the latest fashions, being the smartest one in the class, getting the most prestigious position, the list goes on and on.

Values Often Unconscious

Humans can choose absolutely anything and make it a value for themselves. Most often this process goes on semi-consciously or even unconsciously. We choose values semi-consciously when we role model ourselves after an admired mentor or public figure. We choose values unconsciously when we adopt family values, school values and cultural values without thinking them through for ourselves. Many values are self-evident and don’t need to be thought through on any deep level; it is much more efficient to simply adopt values that seem obvious in their worth. Unfortunately this often means we internalise many values that are not worthwhile, that are simply held by everyone else around us.

Values Are Defended With Vigor, Even Violence

We humans defend our values with more vigor, temper and viciousness than we defend almost anything else. It is very important to understand this, because values conflicts lead to the most intractable disputes, to the breakup of relationships and, on a larger scale, to tribal warfare and global war. We will fight to the death to defend our values, which means we will also kill anyone who appears to threaten our most cherished assumptions. We will sacrifice peace without a second thought when we perceive our values to be threatened. If we will sacrifice peace, how much faster will we sacrifice a relationship, a job, money or almost anything else, in order to defend what seems to be most important in our belief system?

We Are Threatened By Differing Values

Because expectations are based on values, when our expectations are not met, the same part of our nature is unleashed, the part of our nature that is willing to go to any length in defence of whatever it is that is valued – whether the value is defined, or clear, or not, and whether it is actually being threatened or only mistakenly perceived to be threatened. When someone seems to threaten or disrespect our values, it tends to bring up the demon within us.

A Dangerous Side Of Human Nature

Any time our personal values are perceived to be threatened, to say our inner demonic side rises up, means that we become much less pervious to reason, facts, arguments to the contrary, or any appeal to be more moderate. We become less conscious, more primitive, more reactive to perceived threats and we drop many inhibitions that normally serve to keep us within ordinary bounds of behaviour that is considered decent. We become more savage, more tolerant of violent thoughts and more capable of savage behaviour toward others, even others who are not threatening us but are not “on our side” either.

We Drag Others Into The Fray

Disappointed expectations are capable of bringing out the beast within us, often disguised as self-righteousness or a justified avenging manner. In such a mental environment, even innocent bystanders are no longer innocent, they are either “with us” or “with the enemy.” Thus we are not only capable of behaving violently towards those who seem to be threatening our value, we are capable of hurting those who are not even involved. No-body is allowed to be just a bystander.

Expectations Are Personal

It is also vitally important to note that because expectations are based on values, which are personal even if they tend to be widespread within our culture, expectations are also personal – they are ours. Not everyone shares them. We may value honesty but the neighbours may value prestige more than honesty. We may value individual freedom to the degree that we will not tolerate any possible restrictions but others might call this “anarchy” and see our value as dangerous to themselves. We might value integrity in the workplace but our co-workers might only value their own ambitions for advancement. Even if our value is widely shared, it is never truly accurate to say, “Well, everyone feels the same way!” It isn’t true. Every value we hold is our own personal choice, our own opinion and it is we ourselves who have elevated it and given it special meaning.

Our Values Feel Normal But Only To Us

We don’t usually understand this. We tend to think our values are “normal” and different values are incomprehensible, insupportable and unreasonable. We prefer to believe that those people to whom we are close, share the same values. Often they don’t. Often this leads to the most acrimonious disappointments and disputes. This is especially true between parents and children, and between spouses.

Values Clashes Are An Extreme Challenge

However, even with other close relatives and people we thought were our friends, it can be difficult to sustain a relationship once radically different values have been exposed. We often feel betrayed by differences in value, believing that support means sameness. It is hard to support someone else’s right to hold a value that is different from our own. It is nearly impossible for most people to support someone’s right to hold a value that directly opposes or threatens our own.

Two Points Summarized

So far, we’ve seen that expectations come with powerful emotions because they are based on our values, and we are, as a race, very willing to fight to defend our values, and therefore, by association, our expectations. We’ve also seen that our values and expectations are personal to us, formed by us, and given elevated importance by us. They are personal and even while we try to get others to support our position, this means nothing more than that more than person can hold the same value. It doesn’t make the value or the expectation more impressive, important or even any better than anyone else’s expectation. Our expectations are really statements about what we choose to make important. That is all they really are.

Expectations Rife With Assumptions

Expectations have a tendency to come packaged with assumptions. There is the assumption that our expectation is perfectly reasonable. There is the assumption that others know what our expectations are because they are so reasonable and everyone expects the same things. There is the assumption that anyone who fails to meet our expectations is deliberately attacking us and all we hold dear. There is the assumption that we have a right to our expectations.

There is also the assumption that the world exists to meet our expectations – that other people are supposed to meet them. That is, the person with the expectation tends to believe that the outer world “owes” them satisfaction. The term “entitlement” is an extreme version of this – the unquestioned assumption that if a person has a want, the world owes them what they want, regardless of the cost to anyone else.

Unquestioned Assumptions Lead To Unfair Demands

A person who operates from their own unquestioned expectations may place utterly unreasonable demands on others. This author has seen wives who, feeling overwhelmed by the demands of childraising ( which they DIDN’T expect ) actually demand that their husbands work less so they could help out more and give the wife more “me” time. This would be understandable if the wife also worked, or if the husband was working a lot more than the usual forty hours a week. However in these cases, the wives were not contributing to the income and the husbands were not working excessively and they already were helping out with childcare. Their wives simply expected “someone else” to take away the load they were finding unexpectedly difficult to handle. It is important to understand that these women did not see themselves as selfish, unfair or unreasonable in any way. In fact all of them truly believed they were deeply spiritual!

Unreasonable Adult Children

This author has also seen adult children who, unable or unwilling to learn teamwork and co-operative attitudes enough to be employable, expected parents who were approaching retirement to “help out” or “share all their money.” The point is not how much money the parents apparently had, the point is that the adult children felt totally entitled to be given a share of it. It is as if they are incapable of understanding that their parents’ money doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to their parents. It’s nothing more than a slightly sophisticated form of “gimme!” It is the utter conviction of their entitlement that makes it clear that the adult child has a firm expectation that they have a right to anything that the parents have.

The Humble Approach

Someone who isn’t sure if their request is appropriate to the person, place, or situation, will ask respectfully, “I don’t know if you are the right person to ask, or if anyone can even answer this question, but can you tell me …….?” Such an approach almost always elicits helpful responses, because nothing is being assumed and respect is being offered even if the person cannot fulfil the questioner’s want. How different from the arrogance that underlies the presumption that it is somebody else’s JOB to fulfil a want or an expectation. The simple and unwelcome truth, it is our own job to fulfil our own wants.

Satisfaction Dependent Upon Expectations

Any person who has worked with the public knows fully well that each individual customer or client walks in with their own set of expectations and the customer’s experience of fulfilment or disappointment has much more to do with their expectations than it does the actual level of service they receive.

In other words, a customer walks into a store with a pre-conceived idea of what they are going to experience. If their idea is based upon an accurate assessment of that store’s actual service and what the store normally has in stock, they are likely to have a pleasant experience: their expectations are likely to be met without problems. If a customer walks into a store and expects that store and its personnel to meet their need, regardless of whether it is an appropriate store, they are likely to have an unpleasant experience: their expectation is unlikely to be met.

An Example

Let’s look at an example that really happened: a customer calls a health food store and asks what is the cost of the marijuana. The store clerk, knowing fully well that it is illegal to sell the drug, and also knowing fully well that it has never been stocked, even “under the counter,” is totally taken aback and doesn’t know what to say, except, “We don’t sell marijuana. I don’t know of any health food store that would sell it.” The customer now becomes angry, “Hey, I know you guys sell the stuff, just tell me how much!” The clerk is also getting angry, having to waste time on the phone with someone who is either delusional or totally unreasonable. “We don’t sell anything like that,” she says. “Well, I know for a fact that you DO,” insists the customer, “You must be new there!” The clerk, who has worked at and run the store for over three years, says, “No, I’m not and you have the wrong information. We have never sold drugs of any kind here.” “Yeah, sure, bitch!” screams the customer as he hangs up.

Expectations Create Mismatching And Confusion

This conversation and experience is a good demonstration of what happens when there is a severe expectation mismatch. Somehow the customer had gotten the idea that something he wanted was available from that store. Consequently his experience was that the clerk was deliberately being obstructive.

The clerk’s experience was that the customer was “out to lunch” in his expectation and was asking for something that was totally inappropriate ( not to mention illegal! ) Both ended the conversation angry. The customer’s expectation was completely inappropriate but he still measured his experience against his expectation. The clerk’s expectation was that she would be asked about products or issues relevant to the type of store environment in which she worked. On the surface, that isn’t unreasonable but the fact is that there are always going to be a certain percentage of people who have the wrong idea about any service, product or experience.

Mismatches Cause Strong Emotional Reactions

It is when expectations are distorted or totally inappropriate to the situation or person, that the biggest explosions occur. Someone who expects a government agency to provide a service that the agency does not expect to provide, will find themselves extremely frustrated and the situation can result in loud name-calling and other verbal abuse. A person who expects their partner to be something that is not one of the partner’s strengths, can feel so disappointed that she justifies ( in her own mind ) vituperative put-downs, accusations and guilt trips.

Most Divorces Are About Mismatched Expectations

In fact it isn’t going too far to say that nearly all divorces occur because at least one partner, and often both, have failed to meet the other’s expectations. An employer who has an employee who does not meet expectations, can feel justified in verbal abuse, docking pay and other vindictive behaviours. Equally, an employee who feels his employer does not meet pre-conceived ideas about what makes a "good" employer, may feel totally all right complaining and criticising, whether he remains in that job or moves on.

Strong Expectations Create Strong Emotions

It bears repeating that when our expectations are not met is when we are at our most dangerous, when we are most likely to excuse or justify behaviour that ranges from the dismissive to the truly abusive. It is when we are most prone to blaming someone else for the way we feel and when we feel the strongest fallacious sense that we have the right to punish the one who ‘disappointed’ us. The stronger the expectation, the more likely it is that we will experience powerful, even hysterical, emotions if that expectation is not met.

Insight Needed

It is important to understand this, because without a solid insight into the dynamic of expectations and all that is put into motion when an expectation is not satisfied, we will not catch ourselves in the act of self-righteous guilt-tripping, we will not recognise our own areas of entitlement and we certainly won’t be in a position to contain our ( over over-blown ) responses to disappointment.

Expectations Vary Widely

People tend to have a range of expectations that range from the unusually low to the totally unreasonably high. Some highly self-aware and self-responsible people expect little of others. Some people’s expectations are within the range that most people share, and many people have high expectations. A percentage have utterly impossible-to-meet expectations of others and/or of themselves.

What one person considers completely reasonable in the way of expectations may seem outrageous to someone else. We may think it is perfectly acceptable to expect everyone in the family to attend church every Sunday. Other family members may see it as an unacceptable infringement on their freedom to choose how to spend their time or their own spiritual path. We may think it is "normal" to expect to stay with our of town relatives when we visit, while someone else believes it is normal to be put up in a hotel by the relatives, and a third person expects to stay in a hotel and pay for it themselves. The point is, each thinks their own expection is the right one and will be astonished to find out that other people hold different opinions.

Some people with a high need to control their environment have expectations about just about everything. It is nearly impossible to live with such individuals unless one is willing to give them their own way in everything. Other, more tolerant people have few expectations of others, and are more inclined to set standards rather than hold expectations of others or of life.

Perfectionism Is Expectation With A Whip

The person who has to have everything perfect is recognised by the psychological community to be neurotic. Their inability to adapt to the resources available and to the needs of the situation marks them as dysfunctional. Their own expectations are that they will always do everything exactly right and so should others. The authors’ own experience with self-confessed perfectionists is that they are actually fairly incompetent in many areas of life. However they fail to notice this, intent on getting the things they believe are important, as perfect as possible. They are neither efficient nor effective workers and usually are a drain on co-workers, who must take up the slack of the perfectionist who is absorbed in the narrow world within his focus. Studies have unconvered the unpleasant fact that perfectionists actually cost their employers money in lost productivity.

Perfectionists are rarely happy individuals because the level of their expectation is frequently impossible for anyone to meet – themselves included. The intensity of the disappointment they suffer is a measure of the gap between what they expect and what they get.

Perfectionism Breeds Disatisfaction

Those with impossibly high expectations are almost always upset with someone or something because life – and other people – never fulfil what their expectations, even if they try. Chronic dissatisfaction is a form of continuous disappointment, with self, with life, and with others. Those who feel high levels of disappointment or dissatisfaction need to take a long look at their expectations and at whom or what they are assuming will meet those expectations. Some “ideals” have to be relinquished because no-one will ever be able to meet them. Some need to be moderated to reflect an acceptance of reality and possibility.

High Expectations Cause Disagreements

Those with impossible or unreasonably high expectations are almost always upsetting others with their judgements, demands, guilt trips and lack of acceptance. There are few experiences that can compete with expectations, when it comes to making someone else feel disrespected, mistreated, abused, or even railroaded. Just watch a customer with unreasonable expectations walk into a store – and see how long it takes for all the salespeople to be either bristling or stonewalling.

This author had many experiences with customers whose expectations were totally out of line with the store’s function. E.g. one customer, upon being told that the store did not carry a particular product, asked the author to write down the names, addresses and phone numbers of all related stores so that the customer could phone around to find out who did carry the product she wanted. When the author politely refused to do so, knowing that her employer did not pay her to spend her time on such tasks, the customer said a few choice words, said she would be reporting the author to the store owner and stormed out of the building. The owner happened to be in the store at the time and asked quietly what the problem had been, and when told what the customer had wanted, laughed uproariously and congratulated the author for keeping her temper!

On most occasions, when a product was not stocked by this store, the author and other staff were happy to give directions to nearby outlets which did carry the wanted item. In most cases, of course, customers didn’t expect that one of the staff do all the research for them!

We Don’t Question Appropriateness

This simple example demonstrates how a person with an inappropriate idea of what was reasonable to ask, would be extremely upset when her request was refused, even when it was refused gently. How much more incensed, outraged or mortally offended do we become when it is a partner or a parent or a close friend who refuses to meet or fails to meet our expectations? Yet, how many of us ever question whether our expectation was appropriate in the first place?

Our Expectations Seem Totally Reasonable

All our expectations, those we are aware of and those we don’t know we hold, all seem reasonable to us. What it often hard to grasp is that they may seem totally outrageous to someone else. They may be completely inappropriate to the person or situation on which the expectation is placed. We need to know that, just because we hatch an expectation, does not mean we have any right to impose it on anyone else. They may not be able to fulfill the expectation, they may feel bullied by being told to fulfill it, they may rebel and explain graphically what you can do with your expectation!

Imposing Expectations Is A Power Move

We need to see clearly that imposing an expectation is the first move in a power struggle, even if the other person co-operates! Respectful and loving behaviour may involve the setting of clear standards and it may even involve some expectations - e.g “I expect you to tell me the truth. I expect you to behave with integrity.” It never involves imposing expectations for the purpose of getting personal needs met. Requests, yes, invitations, certainly, expectations, no.

There Is No Inalienable Right To Have Our Expectations Met As shocking as this will seem to those who have operated on their expectations without ever seriously questioning them, there is no God-given right that says we have a right to have our expectations met. None at all. There is not a human being on the face of the earth who owes us the fulfilment of our expectations. Our expectations are a function of our own values and our values are personal. We may share our values with a large number of other people, but not with everyone. This means that not everyone agrees that we are ‘entitled’ to certain treatment, privileges, recognition, gifts, money, jobs or anything else.

Western World Confused About Rights And Expectations

We in the Western World tend to forget that “rights” are granted by other people. You and I may feel we have a right to freedom, but other cultures do not support this value or see it as a right at all. Even you and I may disagree totally on what “freedom” means. To one person it means the “right” to drive at whatever speed gives them a thrill. To another it means the “right” to bully and intimidate others, including spouses and children, in order to feel in control. Yet another person may believe he has the right to steal anything he can. Most of us would disagree strenuously with the above three interpretations of "rights."

The lower our level of self-responsibility, the more loudly we are likely to defend our so-called rights and expectations, most of which exist only in our own minds. It can come as a very rude surprise to realise that cultures, peoples and governments grant “rights” and if they disagree with our definition of a “right,” sparks are going to fly.

No One Owes Us Fulfillment Of Our Expectations!

Even spouses, parents, teachers and those in power do not owe us the fulfilment of all our expectations. Loving partners try to meet each others needs for love, affection, support and sharing; they do not weigh each other down with expectations. Loving parents do the best they can to meet a child’s needs for safety, feeling valued and loved, enough food, adequate shelter and opportunities to learn and grow; they do not impose expectations that their child is the prettiest or the smartest or the best athlete. Loving children appreciate what their parents are able to offer; they do not stand around waiting for more handouts, more support, and unconditional acceptance in the face of unreasonable behaviour.

Having Expectations Met Does Not Automatically Create Happiness

Some parents do try to make their chronically dissatisfied offspring happy by meeting their expectations. Interestingly enough, it never works. The problem isn’t really the dissatisfaction or the failure of the parent – it is the offspring’s inability or unwillingness to take responsibility for their own expectations. I am speaking here of those with unreasonably high expectations – the adult child who cannot let go of her high level of demands and “needs” and continues to look to the parent to fulfil those needs. I am not speaking of normal, psychologically healthy needs for nurturance, support, affection, healthy touch, respect and so on. I am speaking of adult children who can’t forgive a parent for having a chronic illness that compromised that parent’s ability to play, or to do other things the child wanted. I am speaking of adult children who still expect their parents to pay to support them ( the child .) I am speaking of adult children who are ashamed of hard-working blue collar parents. I am speaking of the spouse who expects a partner to earn all the income, or to do all the work of keeping a household running, or to be sexy every night even if she has three small children to look after, and so on.

Expectations Cause Trouble For Everyone

Ultimately, if we want to stop the disappointment and dissatisfaction in our lives, we need to own our own expectations and take responsibility for them. We also need to take a long look at the box of horrors that expectations unlock: - they arouse great anger in others, who dislike having expectations imposed on them. - they cause mismatched conversations, misunderstandings and confusion when one person’s expectations are inappropriate to the person, environment or situation. - they often insult others by failing to include any gratitude for what is available or offered. - they fail to take into account the ability, appropriateness or the willingness of the other to meet the expectations. - they come with fallacious “permission” to cause a fuss when one’s expectations are disappointed. - they come with fallacious “permission” to become verbally abusive with others, to vent anger or attempt to deliver guilt. - they come with fallacious “permission” to become self-righteous and self-inflated, or to become a perenial victim in one's own's eyes, a role to which many are addicted.

How To Tame Expectations

In general, expectations and particularly unrealistic expectations cause a lot of pain in life and in one’s relationships. Ken Keyes in his classic book, "The Conscious Person’s Guide To Enlightenment" suggests an excellent strategy to stop expectations from ruining the quality of one’s life and one’s relationships. Keyes suggests the strategy of “upgrading” expectations to preferences.

Preferences A MUCH More Effective Strategy

We can hold an expectation of getting a promotion, and suffer disappointment, even spiral downward into feelings of failure and depression, when that event fails to occur. We could also “upgrade” our expectation to a preference: we genuinely want that promotion but instead of opening the Pandora’s Box of expectation, along with all the insult, ingratitude, emotional storms and permission to act out and demonstrate one’s immaturity that comes with expectation, we hold our want to the level of “preference.” It might even be a strong preference, but that it is where it stays. We want it, and if we get it, we will celebrate. But our happiness does not hinge on it. If it does not materialise, we may heave a long sigh of let-down, and we may need time to come to terms with the outcome, but within a short while we can continue on to the next goal in life. No emotional storms are required, no abuse of someone for “disappointing” us, there is no need to whip up our emotions until we believe we have to vent our anger all over the nearest victim.

Preferences Keep Life Simple

A preference simply does not trigger all the emotionally self-indulgent side-effects of an expectation; the self-righteous assumption that we have a right to what we expect does not occur with a preference. A preference stems from a certain sense of healthy humility: we don’t inflate our want into something the world – or our parent, employer, friend or partner – owes us. We haven’t any right or need for retribution if a preference is not met. We pick up and carry on, putting our energy into our health, our happiness and our future.

Expectations Drain Energy

An expectation, on the other hand, drains enormous energy in its build-up phase as we become more and more desperate but cover up our desperation with arrogant assumptions about what we are owed. If the expectation is met, it immediately transmutes itself into another expectation and continues to drain energy. If it is not met, energy is now siphoned off into emotional storms, guilt trips and endless rehashing of what one wanted, how much it was owed or earned, and how unfair life – and the relevant employer, parent, partner or friend – is. In other words, expectations come packaged with all kinds of demonic emotional mini-storms and none of those storms will win friends or influence people – except negatively.

Preferences Calmer, More Mature Option

Preferences, with their lower level of attachment to outcome, permit us to retain our sanity and dignity if they are not met. We reach a desirable level of calmness - not eliminating "let-downs" but not living on a roller-coaster of emotional storms dependant on getting our expectations met. We gain more control over the quality of our lives and we make choices based on consciously thought out issues, rather than on emotion-based rabidly-defended but never actually examined expectatations. Learning to spot our expectations and also learning to "upgrade" them to preferences, is more adult and more respectful to ourselves and to others.

Summary

Expectations cause such enormous confusion and trouble between individuals, groups of individual and so on up to the level of nations, that you would think the human race would have noticed by now! It may not be too much to say that each individual who learns to rework his or her expectations into preferences and standards, will contribute in their own small way, to world peace. Certainly they will contribute to their own peace! Expectations create enmity. Preferences and standards foster self-responsibility, maturity, growth in self-acceptance and a greater resilience and ability to accept those times when one's preferences do not materialize. Preferences are a thoroughly healthy and accessable option to the ongoing tyranny of expectations.

copyright Marelon Bjorkaes 2006