Love:Reality or Distortion?

Q	Isn't love a feeling that just sweeps over you – you can’t choose it or control it. You can’t help falling love when it “hits” you.
A	“Attraction” is what sweeps over a person – and it is based on imagination, not knowledge. If the person turns out to be different than we imagined, we will quickly lose that feeling of attraction. Mature love is a choice: we choose to act in loving ways with a partner, even when we feel distracted, preoccupied or just plain bad tempered. We behave in loving ways even when we don’t “feel” loving. The loving feeling returns when conditions settle down.

Q	When I meet the “right” partner we will feel totally fulfilled by each other. Isn't that how I will know it's the right person?
A	It is my job to fulfil myself. My partner and I share life together – we don’t do each other’s work of fulfilling ourselves. There are people with whom we are more compatible, but it is doubtful that there is a single "right" person. That is magic think - the "right" relationship is actually built through careful and loving attention to each other's values, concerns and limits.

Q	Isn't real love effortless? You’ll naturally take care of each other’s feelings. I've heard that real love means you’ll never have to say you’re sorry!
A	That was a line from the movie "Love Story" and it misled a lot of idealistic people. Real love takes a lot of attention, honesty, courage and willingness to nurture, as well as the willingness to repair, forgive and move forward in the face of mistakes. Immature people have no tolerance for other people's mistakes and paradoxically expect others to turn a blind eye to their own. Mature people know that everyone makes mistakes and if the partner is genuinely sorry, it is time to forgive and get on with life.

Q	When love is real, won't I be able to totally trust my partner to not be mean or cruel or hurtful to me? He or she will never be disrespectful or neglectful.
A	When love is real, I will be able to trust my partner to do his/her best, and during those times when they fall apart, as all humans do, I trust myself to keep myself safe until they are back in their “right” mind. All humans can be distracted, oblivious and unconscious some of the time, and in those states we may hurt our partner without meaning to, or cross a boundary without realizing it was there and needed to be respected. When unconscious, we are most prone to recreating negative patterns from our childhood, as well. Since we all go unconscious when tired or preoccupied, we are all liable to hurt our partner. A realistic standard is that one's partner - and oneself! - stay conscious more than 50% of the time and act decently and respectfully 80% to 90% of the time. When hurtful or disrespectful behavior occurs, we switch gears into self-care mode until the partner is conscious again and if the behavior was important enough to address, we ask for a conversation about it and seek ways to prevent it recurring.

Q	When love is gone, I believe it’s all over. There’s nothing to do but find another, hopefully better, partner. Isn't that right?
A	When love seems to have disappeared, it is a strong indicator that one or both partners have chosen self-absorption or self-protection over closeness; withdrawal over courageous openness; revenge over repair. It is never too late to repair if both partners are willing.

Q	If my partner does disappoint me, it means s/he doesn’t love me enough – they are not my “true” love partner after all. The relationship is flawed and doomed. And I have the right to punish that person for disappointing me.
A	If I am disappointed in my partner I need to look inside myself to see what I expected, whether that is fair and realistic, and whether I can modify or drop that “want” or whether I need to ask clearly for it to be met or whether I need to leave because the want is a core value for me. If it is a fair core value, I need to find out if my partner is able to learn and respect it. When a partner is unwilling to respect our deeply important values we can indeed say that a relationship is flawed.

Q	If we kiss and make up, everything is going to be fine after all.
A	If we kiss and make up without dealing with the rift and doing appropriate repair, we will just face the same issue at a later time, only then we will have the leftover feelings from this time added to the hurt feelings of next time.

Q	Isn't it better to let stuff go and try to get along?
A	Yes if the 'stuff' is essentially meaningless or small stuff and is not part of a destructive pattern. It is mature to let the small stuff go. However for the larger issues, repeat negative patterns of disrespectful or distressing behavior, to let it go just allows it to accumulate until it smothers the flow of love or blows up in a massive explosion of anger. Letting stuff go is a rationalization of a lack of emotional courage; and a backhanded way of eventually giving ourselves permission to have a blow-up the size of Mount St. Helen. This is not loving behavior, it is relationship sabotage at a very insidious level. "Peace at any price" usually pays the heaviest price and undermines a couple's opportunities to step up to the plate and demonstrate courage and loving mutual support by resolving problems together.

Q	When there is REAL love or the RIGHT partner, it will feel right and the love will flow automatically. Everything will be harmonious all the time.
A	REAL love does not happen by magic. It is built through specific skills: building trust, being supportive yet honest, nurturing through small acts of love, being present, sticking around when things get tough, caring enough to confront when necessary, and willingness to learn and use new skills as needed.

Q	If my partner has failed me once, I need to slam the door in his face and NEVER, EVER give him another chance. I get to keep making him feel bad, guilty and to make sure he suffers as much as I did! Isn't that the only way to make sure I get respect in the future?
A	If my partner has failed me, I need to find out why he failed me, whether he understands that he failed an essential relationship skill and whether he wants to learn and practice new skills and if he needs any assistance from me to do so. Punishment is a distorted attempt to re-create a sense of equality and a sense of having the power to impact a partner who has had a serious impact on us. This is a valid goal and necessary to heal the relationship; however punishment of any form does not lead to this goal. It leads to further breakdown.

Q	Aren't relationships just natural? We must know what to do because people have been having relationships for thousands of years before so-called relationship coaches appeared! Workshops are for morons.
A	What we think we know about relationships is a mishmash of conflicting ideas gleaned from our parents’ relationship, the media, and our own wishful thinking, which is often infantile in its search for gratification. You will, under stress, act out the worst you’ve seen in relationships around which you grew up. If your family had a wide repertoire of effective and appropriate skills for every situation, and used them, then you don’t need workshops, you can probably teach them. Otherwise, be adult enough to realize that others may have found wholesome solutions that really foster peace and love rather than a pattern of repeat blow-ups.

Q	Shouldn't both parents be responsible for child care?
A	Certainly. However if only one parent is working outside the home, that IS being responsible for child care, in the form of money earned. The stay-at-home parent must acknowledge and value this contribution. Even so, child care extends into the evening hours and this portion does need to be shared. If both parents are working at income-producing jobs, then child care responsibilities should be shared and it will almost certainly be wise to have some help; daycare, a housekeeping service once every week or two, a diaper service, etc. Childcare is not for the faint of heart. It is an enormous committment, and both parents are required to participate. "Alone time" is also required for adults - put younger children to bed early enough to give adults alone time and relationship time.

Q	If my partner really loves me, he or she should take my side or agree with me whenever I have a conflict or strong negative feelings about a third person.
A	That's appropriate behavior for a loyal dog but it isn't appropriate for a mature adult. If you insist that your partner demonstrate love by taking your side or agreeing with you, in most instances you are failing to respect your partner's right to be an individual. It is important to allow your partner to make up their own mind most of the time. Having said that, sometimes a united front is essential: as with children or with intrusive or demanding in-laws,e.g. Obviously in cases of abuse or trauma, partners ought to be supportive of each other. Chronic rudeness, dismissive behavior or put downs is a serious level of disrespect that can border on abuse. If there is a friend, family member or associate who mistreats you or is consistently disrespectful, you have every right to say you will make other plans for yourself when that person is involved, and to explain what the offending behavior is. What your partner chooses to do about that is up to them - naturally a loving partner will demonstrate concern. A mature partner will stand with you to respectfully confront the offender and request more respectful behavior. However, demanding that your partner be your ally in all disputes is disrespectful itself. If the offender is being invited into the family home, and the behavior is seriously rude, and it is not possible to make yourself comfortable elsewhere, it is time to have a calm discussion with your partner about this individual and see if together you can come to a resolution that is acceptable to both of you. This is not the same as demanding that your partner be an ally against the offender. It is asking your partner to be an ally in solving a problem.